FionaApple

When I was 9, and possibly younger, my father and I were close, very close. He used to bring me books and such. Once, he gave me a beautiful carasoul horse suncatcher and another time, a beautiful white clay ballerina Xmas ornament. I took ballet from ages 4 to 14.

When I was 9 and couldn't sleep I would go up and sleep with him. It wasn't sexual. At least...I don't think it was.

He rarely loses his temper. But when I was younger, and took baths and played around with the toys in the bath, he used to come in and slap my hand, for having fun. I've never told this to anyone before now.

As time went on and I grew, changed, developed and blossomed we grew farther apart and he beacme very distant. He never taught me anything about life that I can recall.

I haven't talked, really talked, to him in about 2 years. The spring I was 16 I was sent home from boarding school for 'cutting/suicidal tendencies'. That year was hell for me. I remember being on the counsellor's office on the phone with my parents and just in tears. I said something to my father along the lines of 'well maybe if you had been there more this never would've happened.'

He's a lot calmer than my mother which is why he came to pick me up. The day I left for the second time we went out for pizza. He told me a bitabout growing up and how he had to go to this father-son thing with a teacher of his because his father couldn't go and how embarassing it was for him.

It makes sense that my father didn't quite understand how to raise me once I started blossoming. But to me not much is exscusable.

So of course I was sort of looking for a fatherly figure. Well last year I met my now ex boyfriend Kyle who sexually assaulted/sexually abused/molest me but I'll talk more about that later.

One thing I got from my father was his appreciation of nature, writing and his quiet gentleness.

It seems as though people tell me how lucky I am to have a father. Well I suppose. But he emotionally abandoned me.

I remember when Iwas little he'd always be off reffing soccer games. I think I came to see them, once or twice.

He has so much stuff in his room it's insane. How am I supposed to even begin going through it when he dies? I don't even know where to start. I can understand why because unless there's a natural diseaster or something, stuff never leaves.

After my shoplifting incident I told myfather 'you of all people should understand why'. He said 'yeah I know having stuff can be fun'. That wasn't my point.

Last Xmas Eve,of all days, he was hit by a drunk driver while driving home with my aunt from my grandmother's. My aunt was the one who was driving the car.

After that, whenever people came to seehim, theywhispered and it was eerily quiet. He's better and it gave him a lot of time to think. But you can't make up for lost time.

This is the way I deal with things.

For some holiday or another my father gaveme a beautiful purple scarf and an amethyst necklace. I knew I'd never wear the scarf so I gave it to my sister hoping she'd appreciate it more. I still have the necklace.

For my 18th birthday my father gave me another necklace which I still have as well. I only wore it once, when he put it around my neck that summer day. It trapped and chokedme. But I didn't take it off that day because then people would notice.

I don'tt rust men and never let their hands near me.

My father also has a case of dead butterflies which I find sick, twisted and incredibly morbid. My totem is the butterfly and I luv them. But they die so easily.

Another thing my father gave me was a clear heart neaklace for Valentine's Day this year. I actually wore this one quite a few times.

I don't thinkmy father has ever been honest with me my entire life about something. He's very nice, quiet, gentle and thoughtful but also very weak, spineless and can't fighthis own battles.

Nowadays, I'll at least say hi to him in passing.

I don't think I've ever told anyone this in so much detail before.

Thank you very very much for taking the time to read and reply.

Luv always
Fiona

rikk22

If this consoles you, my story isnt as far from yours.

I lived in the Philippines with a "semi-broken" family. My mum worked in London and my dad was with me (in loose terms). My mum left a year after I was born so I only knew her face from photos and voice from recorded tapes. Throughout my childhood my dad was usually busy, going off to Manila for some business of his own, which left me with my friends or my non-blood-related grandma. I was content nonetheless somehow knowing me and parents are not together because I had friends. Our family only "got together" (again in its loosest meaning) fairly recently, about 4 years ago when I was 14, when we moved to London to join my mum. Until now, we as a family isnt really close.

With all of these happened, i am still content, even though i do not have emotional attachment to any of my parents. They provided me with necessities and some luxuries, which some people cannot simply afford so im thankful for that part. Aside from that we are far apart, never mind the fact that we live and dine together.

I dont know how your father could loose track of you,when u grew up, as you mentioned, but many parents are afraid to loose their children, that i can be certain of, as I would feel the same to my children (not that I have any). They always think that "my son/daughter isnt able yet," if we dont show them that we can actually stand on our own.

I hope things get better in many ways for you. If there is anything else that you have deep insided bottled up, do not hesitate to post them. After all, we dont judge you.

__________________
Errr. Wot now?

FionaApple

thank you so much.

luv always
fiona

MrsDrake

well idk if this is really similar but my father has that kind of way to him and sry to drop this problem near your problem but i guess i sorta need advice too, that and i'm trying to make ya feel better, showing you how lucky that you had/have a gentle father and that youre not alone in having an absent parent:

during my childhood, my father always yelled at my mom about the way the house was, the money etc. id slam the door and cry in my room but no one could hear me w/all the fighting (no wonder i got my thumb stuck in the VCR one time, there was no one to instruct me on the dos and donts of life) but he didn't really blame me for anything just my mom got blamed. he used to scare me cuz of the yelling he did when i did something wrong, even if it was just a little something. i almost thought he was gonna beat me. sometimes he'd play on the computer w/me though and he got me the pets i had. financially, he sucked though. my mom says she's a stronger person now cuz of all the stuff he put her through and she was finally able to get us away from him after a long time. she's not gonna ever let him get to her.

sometimes it seems like he's gotten better over the yrs but other times it seems like he really hasn't changed much. and i think he still has that long time gambling problem. he has plenty of money but he wastes it all away i believe. cuz he gets a pretty good salary (unlike my mom) and ya wonder where all that money goes. he doesn't live w/us anymore but i always tried to visit him. he disappointed me...he like never calls me and i rarely got to see him cuz he was rarely home. one time he called me back to say he was coming but he never did. and when i really needed him i called basically 3 days b4 the Drake concert, i asked if he could drive me there...i waited and waited for him to call back..then my mom tried leaving a message asking him to plz take me there and that she doesn't have the funds. well she was complaining about the many times she had to pay for stuff for me at the times he shoulda pitched in of course, but that doesn't give him the right to say no to me. he said he couldn't get me the tickets that i shoulda let him know sooner, but i already HAD the tickets, we told him that. all he had to do was drive me there. well in the end what happens my mom had to take me (she had fun though). so i stopped trying and dont call him anymore after that.

a few days ago he sent me a card saying "I'm lonely" or something like that, idk it kinda freaked me out. well if he wanted to hear from me or see me why didn't he ever call. just b/c i don't call doesn't mean he cant. it makes me feel like he was only seeing me cuz he had to. and in the summer he gave me this b/s about not calling him on his bday, well he didn't call me on my bday. why should i care? and it sickens me that he can't get along w/my mom when he used to come to pick me up. every word you hear from him said to my mom involves money like why should i have to pay for this, i don't have the money. one time she didn't even ask him to pay for something she was just letting him know what her funds were but yet he said why do i have to pay for this. and yeah he swears alot to my mom, he always has, like every curse word you can think of. that's where i first picked up curse words from and probly why i curse sometimes nonstop, it's in my genes. but the thing is when im with him i have a pretty fun time. it's just getting to that fun time and b4 the fun.

nowadays i don't even want to look at him let alone talk to him. sometimes i dream about him and it sickens me. my mom says the next time he crosses her shes gonna let him have it. she always tell people that he's not my dad, he's my father and she's like do you know the difference. i agree w/that. she hates him, oh boy she really hates his mother. i hate his mother too to be honest, i wouldnt say i absolutely hate my father cuz hate is such a strong word, but i would say i really dislike him now. i was just wondering does anyone think my mom is influencing me to have a bad attitude? and is it really wrong to dislike your father esp. after all the stuff he hasn't done? i feel no love for him at all anymore, should I? and how can i love him when he doesn't do squat.
but yeah...it's good that you don't have the attitude i do Fiona.