FionaApple

Warnings & Notes: possible TW. detailed and quite long.

I was at the doctor's office yesterday evening, filling out forms. Under comments I put 'sexual assault at age 17'. I looked at the words after I had written them and I felt sort of detached, distant from them. Once it was written down, it suddenly seemed so official. Like something that could never happen to me. But it did.

I don't think I can do this but I feel that I should.

Here we go;

It was October 14 of last year. I was 17. He was 20. He. My boyfriend, at the time. Now my ex boyfriend. His name, Kyle. For the longest time and even now I still can't type his name. We had been dating and talked about sex and having a family. When I was violated I was standing up. I only thought there was only 1 way to lose your virginity and that was sex. Well apparently I was wrong. .....It was cold that day and I had been having my period at the time. What basically happened was vaginal penetration with his fingers. Each time I think that I'm disgusted. There was a lot of blood. I've never bled so much in my life. I've never been in that much physical pain, either.

His hands were cold. He told me not to scream. and I didn't. I said no when we had talked about it but not very assertively. That doesn't matter. What matters is that I didn't want it to happen.

We continued dating, after that. Back then I didn't know it was known as sexual assault. I just knew something had happened. It's amazing how one person, one experience can change your life forever.

Over the summer I became lesbian. Now, I'm not sure what I am. But I have quite a few guy friends and I have friends, so it's not as if my sexual assault prevented me from doing that. I know somehow it's not my fault. There was nothing I could've done. But somehow I still think it's my fault. That's what he wants me to think. I also keep thinking that if I keep telling myself it's not my fault then it'll help.

I used to remember it incredibly vividly. Now, when I remember it, it's as if I'm standing by, watching it happen to someone else. A far off distant dream so easily forgotten. If only it was that easy.

It happened behind the mall, by the water. I'll never think of there the same way again.

I found and read this wonderful, inspirational book, Darkness Before Dawn by Sharon Draper. It's really helped.

I read in a magazine that something like this might qualify as molestation. And, I don't know.

It hurts, remembering. But sometimes that's what we need. I know that it's going to take years of therapy. It's so hard talking about it.

Recently someone said to my sister 'Anne doesn't seem like the kind of person who deserves anything bad to happen to her'. I'm one of the nicest people you will ever meet. And it's because of situations like this that makes us who we are.

But it's not going to change. It will still affect me. It's a big thing of course it will. I used to be angry with him. But he's still a person. I believe everyone's a good person. Maybe I'm too nice of a person. :-).

But I think this needed to happen.

What right did he have? To do that to me? Did he even think about how it would affect me? Did he even think at all?

To take away my innocence? To cause me pain and fear and anguish?

You don't do that to someone and then expect that it's going to be ok. You just don't.

In a weird way, I still have feelings for him. I'm embarassed to admit that. You see, all through my lifetime, my father hadn't been emotionally available. So it makes sense. I still always keep my legs closed, as a result of the assault.

You know, I thought I was ready to talk to him. I had gone over what I wanted to say so many times. I called him one night and he kept asking if I wanted to come over. I said maybe. I'm still frightened of him. Of what he'll do. If I can prevent this I will.

I just.......I'm looking for someone, a friend who I won't be afraid to cry and hurt in front of. Who I can share my poetry with. Each time I read the poetry I wrote about the assault, I start to cry. It's so vivid, so painful. There's so much anguish.

I was looking at the posts and there are quite a lot. That gives me an overwhelming urge to cry. It means I'm not the only one, that it's more common than I think. That people can relate to my situation. And it's wonderful.

So, that's my story.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and listen

luv always
Fiona

rikk22

I agree with what you know already...that vaginal penetration or any other way its called without consent is molestation.

I understand that it was rather demoralising, if not dehumanising (is that a word ^^ to know that we are very vulnerable to things such as this. I wouldnt be surprised if you took more actions such as phoning the police. Anyways, life moves on as normal, however scarring the past had been. We can only stand up, after falling, look ahead and learn from it.

I dont want you to relive that unpleasant moment so im not going to talk about that.

By the way, being confused with your sexuality is normal, in my opinion anyways, especially considering someone has broken your trust to men. Nowadays, since the advent of gay marriages, I think many people can live happily together with same sex partners as much as a heterosexual couples, so whichever way you swing, i can only wish you the best and happiness.

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FionaApple

once again, thank you.

fiona

danigirl

i am so sorry fiona that that had to happen to u. i can't believe someone would be so, i can't even find a word for what he did. i almost cried reading your story. that kind of stuff shouldn't happen to anyone and i am so sorry that it happened to you.also i realy liked what rikk22 said i thought that was very wise

this is for him he is banned from earth

MrsDrake

sry to reply so late but...i agree w/the trusting men part. it's hard to trust men after that. and im so sorry. yes you will get flashbacks sometimes. and it will take time to heal the wounds. just remember you never have to talk about any part of it youre not comfortable in sharing. but let whatever you can out, in poetry is a good way. i think it's wonderful that you shared that w/us (well not me cuz im a noob but you know, glad it's still up here available for new comments) me i would never have the courage to talk about something like that. im not comfortable in sharing something like that but if i was id let ya know (not saying that happened to me but...) youd be surprised how many people has had that happen to them and having even worse situations. you never know, could be talking to someone who had that happen and not even know it cuz the person wouldn't be open like you are. but wow i can't believe you still love him after that..kudos to you i guess. well since you still do maybe you shouldn't call the police but if he ever does something like that again, aggressively tell him to stop then if that doesn't work threaten to call and make it look like youre actually calling them. but if he keeps doing this i wouldn't advise keeping it from the authorities, idk that's just me...i know you love him and all but that's not right. and i hope someday i can be as open as you are w/my personal problems. yeah and don't ever feel guilty, in no way is this your fault.

loonytoons

hey there.... really sad post you have here. I feel very sad and sorry for what happened to you. Just treat it as a bad dream and write it off and move on. You are not to be blamed in this, dnt hold yourself guilty at any point. What happened is done with, you need to move on. Dnt let this ruin your life for good.

Hugs!

*tallie*

to be honest i didnt know how to respond to this post. I feel really bad about what happened to you. Even though i had nothing to do with it. Its awful enough knowing things like this happen but to hear of it first hand experience. Even worse. You know something, i didnt even know that would count as molestation. Anyways even though such an awful thing happened, I hope you can slowly look past it and still enjoy life to the full.

As for being confused with your sexuality, Loads of people are and they dont even have to have altering experiences. You've joined the bandwagon.

btw thanks for being brave enough to share this with us. not many would.

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